Some of us were born with instant celebrity.
A golden platter with people already gawking at their every move. They strut with perfect hair, square jaws and
millions of dollars to support an image these people never even had to try hard to have.
For the rest of us we have to fight for our stardom. We have to push
and pull to separate ourselves from the masses of common normal people.
Through the careful analysis of today’s media I have found the keys to
unlock stardom.
10 Ways to become famous for nothing:
1. Be a comeback story.
Where would Mariah Carey be without this one? Never had a falling out?
Who cares? You are the comeback kid! Talk about your difficult
childhood, abuse and despair are the ticket.
10. The crazy extremist. The crazy liberal, conservative or
scientologist. Too many to list!
Fraud
We all love our
fraudulent celebrities. These are the celebrities that owe all their fame to the blogsphere because
for one reason or another blogs follow their lame existences. Let’s take Pete Doherty, now you might say, well he is a famous
musician who dated that hot skinny chick Kate Moss?
First
off, name his current band? The correct answer is
Babyshambles. Okay, so the Libertines are cool enough (his first band), but since then? He basically pissed it all away and now the only thing that keeps this bad boy going is the blogs that
cover his
arrests and “relationships”.
The blogs gave him a fraudulent sense of fame and he was able to convince
us that he was a relevant rocker. Thus, he had to do everything in his
power to
remain on the blogs, as he has to keep up the charade.
Fraudulent elebrities thank you for your stupid antics.
The PR Value of Adopting an International Poverty Baby
What
is it with this trend of international baby adoption? You would think these
rich celebrities would just use their power and money to pick up an American
baby! However if you look at the PR situation carefully you will realize that
an American baby would never supply the same PR value as an international
poverty baby. Lets dissect the scenario a little.
Among the most high profile is an actress known as Angelina Jolie, who has cleverly
become the face of cross-country adoption and reportedly amongst all of her
talk for wanting a “rainbow” family. Not only did she make her own daughter
Shiloh an international celebrity baby, born in a mostly forgotten country
Namibia, she also has an adopted son, Maddox, from Cambodia and daughter Zahara,
from Ethiopia. Angelina is surely the cleverest in gaining PR value for all
members of her family.
Hopefully they will soon
isolate the homosexual gene so that we can usher in a new day in minority
adoption.
Seriously where do they get this shit?
Today we are looking at “truthiness”, which is
a satirical term created by the brilliant Stephen Colbert to describe things that a person claims to know intuitively or "from the gut" without
regard to evidence, logic, or actual facts. (from wikipedia-certified
truthiness). On the blogsphere I have selected at random a posting from one of
my favorite blogs Dlisted.com:
Posh Beckham has reportedly been giving "English" lessons to Tom Cruise.
Tom loves their accents and slang so much that he uses it around them and wants
Posh to teach him.
A source said,"He loves the British language
because some of the sayings are so quirky. Victoria says things like, 'bloody
hell' and 'blimey', and tells her sons to 'come on chaps.' Tom loves hearing it
all and is building up an Anglo-English vocabulary. It could come in useful for
his film career
Tommy Girl just wants to learn so
he can seduce David Beckham in his native tongue! Blimey!
First I am like: that poser Tom, so lame to just a rip off of that bitch Posh… then I am like, how the hell do they know this…? So I click on the “source” and it takes me to the VERY prestigious: AHN Global News for the
Digital World. It seems prestigious enough, so I read the text and discover that the
source of their information is… well, is a “source”.
That is the whole article is all based off an unnamed source… how
is this news? How is this true? They could just make this up! My source says
that Tom Cruise plays with birds because they sound like Victoria Beckham, next
thing I know this will be quoted and it will be considered true because I said
that I have a source.
10 More Ways to Increase your Celebrity Status!
In my ongoing series about how to become famous I introduce 10 more ways to help you find fame!
11. Start a blog. It works for Wil Wheaton
and it can work for you. Tell the world your most banal thoughts.
12.
Make another pointless celebrity blog like Trent.
or of course my favorite Perez Hilton. Anyone can do
this, look at me.
13. Make your own product line of anything. Purse, bag, clothes…
even umbrellas. Fonzworth Bentley was P. Diddy’s butler for god’s sake.
14. What celebrity has not had a small animal one time or another?
Dogs... monkeys. Dogs seem to be the favorite.
17. Gain and loose weight dramatically. Before there was Nicole
Richie there was whole slew of celebrity girls who would eat and puke. Each
one got headlines.
18. Cheat or get cheated on and then spill the details to your
favorite friends and let the word spread. Make it a sex scandal! for better press.
19. Since you are probably unattractive, become a character actor.
One thing that amazes me is the things people/companies keep
track of. I was looking through Celebritynation.blogspot.com and came across a posting talking about a database that shows how much money a celebrity donates
to political candidates.
It offers us a few details that Jennifer Aniston and Halle Berry donated $2,300
to Barack Obama and even takes the time to tell us that this is the max for
primaries but that she can give up to $4,600 for primary and general elections.
Huh? Okay, so for a second I cared. Go Aniston, support that
Obama, down with the Republicans… Then I ask myself, how do they know
this shit? Who really cares? Is this "news"?
It turns out the database is cared for by the Huffington Post, which seems hardly worthy of their vast resources.
The real question I have is why do companies track this? The answer is because we care. We want to know who our celebrities support so that we can decide on who we support.
MJ: Freak of the Week
Most
musicians come and go, they have a couple of hits and then they disappear into
the world to becomes dads/moms and part of the working class or retire to their
mansions. We may relive that magic moment when we listen to the radio and an
old song comes on making us feel nostalgic or your kids might
"discover" your favorite childhood album making you take a moment to
feel old. But not MJ, he touched us and made a huge impression onto the world.
So why the insistent following? It is actually simple.
The tragedy of MJ, his iconic stature as a child, his music, and his
potential... turned into a reclusive and controversial adult.
What we are all really obsessed is with everyone's PR machine that uses his image to propel their own interests. His story is part of the fabric of the world and his eccentric behavior is celebrated and gawked at. Imagine if Ashley Simpson continues on her plastic surgery splurge or Jennifer Aniston continues to be the victim of bad break-ups? We eat that shit up. Don’t become boring like Tara Reid, be Ms.
Spears, or Ted Turner…. Keep it fresh and stay in the blogs and people will want to read about you.
I Love Poverty PR Babies...
After my last post about Poverty PR Babies, I thought to myself that this world only has one spot for a PR queen… and that spot belongs
to Madonna. What PR move has she not mastered? With all that has happened on
our lonely planet over the years I knew it was only a matter of time before
Madonna chimed in, and she did in style. Her tiny bundle of joy is from yet
another poverty-stricken country. She grabbed her little bundle of joy from
Malawi.
In order to maximize her PR campaign, she had her spokeswoman claim that while
Madonna was visiting orphanages and meeting children, no adoption had taken
place, thus adding to the confusion and PR value. But nothing would stop Madge, even though this particular country has laws that make it illegal to have this adoption completed it did not stop her from
Madonna was in the news for months while she launched her campaign to
securing her own international baby!
Before I end this rant, lets walk down memory lane and see who else has pulled such
clever PR moves. In January 06, actress Meg Ryan traveled to China to adopt a
baby girl and Ewan McGregor and his wife Eve adopted a four-year-old
Mongolian girl. Lastly, Mia Farrow adopted a couple of children from
poverty-stricken countries, including Korea and Vietnam in the 1970s.
My first blog today comes from Dlist.com, which pointed me to an excellent site which strips the... cream off our favorite celebrities. It is a retouching studio called iWANEX Studio, it basically retouches the faces of all of our favorite celebrities.
In this image based culture of ours, beauty may win the game, but
rarely do "common" people get to see what goes behind that beauty. So
here we have it, Kelly Clarkson is a little over weight, Cameron Diaz
looks a little wired and twisted, Brittany Murphy has pores and looks
human... so is all this so bad?
Yes it is.
Flaws
don't sell. Thin waists sell. If your income was directly correlated to
the size of your waist line you would lose those pounds in a heart
beat... but why bother if you can do it with a click versus excercise
and healthy eating? Honestly what would you do?
If you ask me this is clearly the case of a Cinderella analogy. The
mouse is the Fairy God Mother, Dlisted.com is the Evil Step Mother and
money is the prince.
You
will want to fall in love... with all of this wood.
I Love Wood, the website is "A strikingly
original website. Affecting, funny and smart." (Jan Jewel, Hard Wood Magazine.)
Mormon Missionary FantasySee into the mind of the dark and twisted world of a fallen Mormon Missionary The Missionary Fantasy illustrations explore the dual identities as he struggles with his religious beliefs and his repressed sexual fantasies. Be brave, explore yourself.